I have a lot on my mind and I think a stream of consciousness post is the way I'm going to get it out. If you can't follow along, my apologies. I just need to get some stuff out.
My mom - My mother had an appt with a surgeon today to discuss possible surgery on her shoulder. She has severe rheum. arthritis in her shoulder and cannot sleep for more than 2 hours without waking from pain. Her range of motion for the shoulder is horrible. Watching her put on a coat or shirt is saddening. I was unable to attend the appt with my parents and sister today because Shea had his appt which I had OTHER concerns for and that needed to take precidence, unfortunately. Anyway, it comes down in the appt that her rheum. doc also is referring her for knee REPLACEMENT surgery. Apparently both shoulder and knee are bone against bone at this point. The surgeon would prefer to do the knee first because it will be better for recovery from the shoulder surg. if she has two good legs to support her.
I'm really overwhelmed by all this and feel ill-equipped to care for toddlers and aging parents. I feel guilty for leaving it to my older siblings as well. And resentful of my brother in California who really doesn't have to deal with it at all.
Things will fall into place. I have already started researchingand bookmarking elder services pages. I can't imagine how my dad will cope with taking care of her 24/7 without losing his mind.
Shea's appt was ok. Doc said we should wait til after his one year appt to see if his gross motor skills have improved (head size is the cause of delay) and if not we will have him evaluated then. But his height and weight (22lbs 29") put him in the 75% and his head circ (49cm - same as Liam's was at 15 mos) puts him at 98% which is at least on the chart now. He didn't need any shots - just got a finger prick for iron and lead level testing. He didn't nap well, so by bedtime he was a nightmare. We did discuss c.i.o. during the appt and the doctor said Ferber is the way to go...as long as his basic needs are met and he's not ill we should do it. He said that we had to outlast Shea... especially since he's escalates so much when crying... gets worse and worse. We can't even go in after 5 or 10 mins cause he flips out even more. Tonight he cried after I put in (this is rare -= typically he is a middle of the night crier) and I was alone with both boys. I didn't want to leave Liam alone downstairs longer than necessary so I was sort of forced to let him cry. I did goin and try to rock him again, but he wasn't stopping so I put him back in the crib and probably about 30 mins later he stopped. I'm not sure exactly how long because I was putting Liam to bed and with the humidifier on high (purposefully) in Liam's room, you can't hear a thing in there.
I need to go to bed. Hubs is off tomorrow and I am getting my hair cut and colored. Cannot TELL YOU how bad I need it. GREY ROOTS! Ugly!
Showing posts with label Just Susie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Just Susie. Show all posts
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
I'm Sex Deprived
Kind of a fun meme. Lifted it from Johnny Mac.
Instructions: Open up your iTunes and fill out this survey, no matter how embarrassing the responses might be
How many songs total: 1,110
How many hours or days of music: 2.8 Days
Most recently played: Let's Get Together - The Youngbloods
Most played: Real Gone - Sheryl Crowe (Cars Movie), Born to Be My Baby - Bon Jovi, Footloose - Kenny Loggins (these ar favs of Liam's mostly)
Most recently added: Band of Gold (Almighty Radio Edit) - Kimberly Locke
Sort by song title:
First Song: A.B.C. Gospel - Choo Choo Soul
Last Song: #41 - Dave Matthews Band
Sort by time:
Shortest Song: .05 New Hymn - James Taylor
Longest Song: 11:42 - Donna Summer & Barbra Streisand - No More Tears (Enough is Enough)
Sort by album:
First album: Alan Jackson: Greatest Hits, Vol. 2
Last album: 100% Pure Dance
First song that comes up on Shuffle: S.O.S. - ABBA
Search the following and state how many songs come up:
Death - 1
Life - 18
Love - 66
Hate - 1
You - 132
Sex - 2
Instructions: Open up your iTunes and fill out this survey, no matter how embarrassing the responses might be
How many songs total: 1,110
How many hours or days of music: 2.8 Days
Most recently played: Let's Get Together - The Youngbloods
Most played: Real Gone - Sheryl Crowe (Cars Movie), Born to Be My Baby - Bon Jovi, Footloose - Kenny Loggins (these ar favs of Liam's mostly)
Most recently added: Band of Gold (Almighty Radio Edit) - Kimberly Locke
Sort by song title:
First Song: A.B.C. Gospel - Choo Choo Soul
Last Song: #41 - Dave Matthews Band
Sort by time:
Shortest Song: .05 New Hymn - James Taylor
Longest Song: 11:42 - Donna Summer & Barbra Streisand - No More Tears (Enough is Enough)
Sort by album:
First album: Alan Jackson: Greatest Hits, Vol. 2
Last album: 100% Pure Dance
First song that comes up on Shuffle: S.O.S. - ABBA
Search the following and state how many songs come up:
Death - 1
Life - 18
Love - 66
Hate - 1
You - 132
Sex - 2
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Sleep
I'm about to get me some of that there sleep stuff everyone raves so much about. Last night was BAD with Shea. We changed up some stuff with his bed...hoping that maybe part of it. He's about erady to gnaw his arm off from the top teeth. Wish those fuckers would just come IN already. Sing a little Doors action..."break on through, break on through, break on through to the other side..."
Today was actually a very pleasant trip to my inlaws despite that Liam cried 3-4x about um...NOTHING. Oh he couldn't have a second yogurt, he couldn't play with something of Grampy's because Grampy wasn't there to tell us it was ok, his cousin wanted HER DOLL BACK, and oh and because he's 3 and his current lot in life is to make his parents very tired.
Hey Liam! Your brother HAS THAT COVERED, ok? so just knock it OFF.
Anyway, my brother-in-law and his daughter were there but it was still fine. Kendal played with Liam a little and only tried to smack Shea once. She was very sweet to him the rest of the time.
My mother-in-law didn't let Shea push her around. After we were there a few minutes she took him and listened to him cry for about 20-25 mins and I ran away to the kitchen. He's so much worse when I'm right there. He just keeps looking at me like "TAKE ME BACK NOW or I will cry and stick this lower lip out so far it will slap you in the forehead."
She finally found some toys he was interested in (her house is like friggin Toys R Us right now) and after he calmed down, I went back in. Shea was pretty much fine the rest of the visit. He didn't want to nap on their bed (Kendal was in the crib) so she put him in Kendal's stroller and Dan wheeled him around the house 2-3x and he was out. We parked him in the kitchen and he slept about 45 mins or so - enough to take the edge off.
So that gives me hope that someday we will be able to visit family without me feeling completely stressed out. And I feel a teensy bit better about being gone overnight Friday while my mother-in-law stays here with the boys. I feel incredible guilty that she may be up half the night with Shea but as Dan put it, "She gets to go home and sleep through the night. She'll be fine. Shea will be fine." So I will have to deal with the guilt while I have a cocktail, eat a big meal, drink wine and sleep through the entire goddamn night!
WHOOOOHOOOO!
Today was actually a very pleasant trip to my inlaws despite that Liam cried 3-4x about um...NOTHING. Oh he couldn't have a second yogurt, he couldn't play with something of Grampy's because Grampy wasn't there to tell us it was ok, his cousin wanted HER DOLL BACK, and oh and because he's 3 and his current lot in life is to make his parents very tired.
Hey Liam! Your brother HAS THAT COVERED, ok? so just knock it OFF.
Anyway, my brother-in-law and his daughter were there but it was still fine. Kendal played with Liam a little and only tried to smack Shea once. She was very sweet to him the rest of the time.
My mother-in-law didn't let Shea push her around. After we were there a few minutes she took him and listened to him cry for about 20-25 mins and I ran away to the kitchen. He's so much worse when I'm right there. He just keeps looking at me like "TAKE ME BACK NOW or I will cry and stick this lower lip out so far it will slap you in the forehead."
She finally found some toys he was interested in (her house is like friggin Toys R Us right now) and after he calmed down, I went back in. Shea was pretty much fine the rest of the visit. He didn't want to nap on their bed (Kendal was in the crib) so she put him in Kendal's stroller and Dan wheeled him around the house 2-3x and he was out. We parked him in the kitchen and he slept about 45 mins or so - enough to take the edge off.
So that gives me hope that someday we will be able to visit family without me feeling completely stressed out. And I feel a teensy bit better about being gone overnight Friday while my mother-in-law stays here with the boys. I feel incredible guilty that she may be up half the night with Shea but as Dan put it, "She gets to go home and sleep through the night. She'll be fine. Shea will be fine." So I will have to deal with the guilt while I have a cocktail, eat a big meal, drink wine and sleep through the entire goddamn night!
WHOOOOHOOOO!
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Visit
My brother is visiting from California this weekend. He arrives Thursday on the red eye and he will be at my house a bit after 9am. This would all seem quite lovely and normal if it hadn't been 3 years since we last saw him (the week after my Big Monkey was born) and we hadn't gone almost that long not speaking.
The not speaking stuff is water under the bridge now thank God. And I guess I can believe that part of the reason he is visiting is because we have made amends and he is eager to connect with my kids. It's just hard because I am trying to forgive him for not visiting our mother (who lives about 40 mins from me) during that same 3 years. I try to reconcile it but have a very difficult time. My mom has changed so much and her memory is getting worse and worse. She just isn't the same as she used to be and he seems to have blinders on to that fact. I think my mother has aged significantly in the past 3 years. She's now 77 and she has pretty bad rheumatoid (sp?) arthritis. It really wears her down. But her mind isn't the same anymore and that is the part me and my sister and trying to come to terms with. She's so so SO forgetful. My dad has a hard time dealing with it in addition to his own aging and gets grumpy with her instead.
Anyway this post is supposed to be about my brother and not my mom. I'm nervous. I want to get the house in shape but GODDAMNIT I can NOT seem to rid myself of the dog hair. 2 pugs = MORE DOG HAIR THAN A PACK OF WOLVES, Seriously. And I didn't realize this at my old house because it was mostly carpeted on the main floor... but the dog hair blows across the hardwoods like friggin TUMBLEWEEDS and comes to rest on the area rug in the living room. I could vacuum the thing every day and still have a load of dog hair on it come nighttime.
ATTRACTIVE!
And suddenly Liam is starting to have little pee accidents. He has recently started peeing standing up and I think he doesn't point at the potty right away and it goes down in his undies first instead - not every time but at least once a day. He has had an accident of some sort every day for the past week. Frustrating since he hasn't had any sorts of accidents in MONTHS.
Anyway I'm sort of jigged up and jacked up on my brother coming and nervous and excited for my kids and all that. My brother and I were extremely close growing up... things didn't change til he moved and we had several disagreements and misunderstandings.
I gotta get moving. I'm hosting him for lunch Thursday as well as Friday with the rest of my family. I think for Thursday I'll do grilled chicken salads and Friday will be a big tray of baked ziti with garden salad and garlic bread. So this means a trip to the grocery store with both children. Not my idea of fun. GIVE ME STRENGTH!
The not speaking stuff is water under the bridge now thank God. And I guess I can believe that part of the reason he is visiting is because we have made amends and he is eager to connect with my kids. It's just hard because I am trying to forgive him for not visiting our mother (who lives about 40 mins from me) during that same 3 years. I try to reconcile it but have a very difficult time. My mom has changed so much and her memory is getting worse and worse. She just isn't the same as she used to be and he seems to have blinders on to that fact. I think my mother has aged significantly in the past 3 years. She's now 77 and she has pretty bad rheumatoid (sp?) arthritis. It really wears her down. But her mind isn't the same anymore and that is the part me and my sister and trying to come to terms with. She's so so SO forgetful. My dad has a hard time dealing with it in addition to his own aging and gets grumpy with her instead.
Anyway this post is supposed to be about my brother and not my mom. I'm nervous. I want to get the house in shape but GODDAMNIT I can NOT seem to rid myself of the dog hair. 2 pugs = MORE DOG HAIR THAN A PACK OF WOLVES, Seriously. And I didn't realize this at my old house because it was mostly carpeted on the main floor... but the dog hair blows across the hardwoods like friggin TUMBLEWEEDS and comes to rest on the area rug in the living room. I could vacuum the thing every day and still have a load of dog hair on it come nighttime.
ATTRACTIVE!
And suddenly Liam is starting to have little pee accidents. He has recently started peeing standing up and I think he doesn't point at the potty right away and it goes down in his undies first instead - not every time but at least once a day. He has had an accident of some sort every day for the past week. Frustrating since he hasn't had any sorts of accidents in MONTHS.
Anyway I'm sort of jigged up and jacked up on my brother coming and nervous and excited for my kids and all that. My brother and I were extremely close growing up... things didn't change til he moved and we had several disagreements and misunderstandings.
I gotta get moving. I'm hosting him for lunch Thursday as well as Friday with the rest of my family. I think for Thursday I'll do grilled chicken salads and Friday will be a big tray of baked ziti with garden salad and garlic bread. So this means a trip to the grocery store with both children. Not my idea of fun. GIVE ME STRENGTH!
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Bulk
There is something about buying in bulk.. like some things like toilet paper and baby formula... YES! I hate buying those every week at the grocery store. But as I was contemplating buying a huge jug of extra virgin olive oil I was like... What the hell am I doing? Where am I going to keep all this olive oil?!
You know what I'm saying?
You know what I'm saying?
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Random Boring Crapola
Shea was up 3-5am, so of course now he isn't into a morning nap. He's tired but doesn't want to be in his crib asleep. I know if I take them on a Starbucks drive thru run he will sleep for 10 mins in the car and call it even. NO WAY.
Ugh I wish he would just sleep through the night. Please. God. It used to be just the pacifier but now he doesn't even take it half the time. We tried letting him cry but he is still unable to calm himself to get to sleep. Every 2-3 nights he won't settle back to sleep til he's had a bottle.
So yesterday my doctor recommended 3-4 physical therapy sessions for my hand and feet and a podiatrist. I haven't made the appointments yet but I will. I am just unsure how they will fit in to my schedule and child care and all that fun stuff. The spot where I got the tetanus shot hurts like a bastard... actually my whole arm/shoulder area hurts. We are slightly upping my z-loft dose as well. Overall I'm in good health. The blood draw will tell more but my blood pressure, as always, was good.
Liam just had some M&Ms and offered me one. So sweet! But no sweet snacks. Bleh. Hope I can stick to my Lenten promise. The soda is more the one kicking me in the ass. I see the soda and want it. Bad.
I took some of the money my MIL gave me for Christmas and ordered myself a custom Starbucks gift card - I know it's retarded to order one for myself... but I like having the card because then I don't need to worry about having cash and there is something not right about putting $4.15 on a credit card. So I ordered a Starbucks custom card that has my preferred drink and my first name. I'll take a pic when it comes I should have taken a screen shot of the finished product...oh well. Woohoo!
Ok Shea is not happy in the Jumperoo and I suppose I should do something about that.
Ugh I wish he would just sleep through the night. Please. God. It used to be just the pacifier but now he doesn't even take it half the time. We tried letting him cry but he is still unable to calm himself to get to sleep. Every 2-3 nights he won't settle back to sleep til he's had a bottle.
So yesterday my doctor recommended 3-4 physical therapy sessions for my hand and feet and a podiatrist. I haven't made the appointments yet but I will. I am just unsure how they will fit in to my schedule and child care and all that fun stuff. The spot where I got the tetanus shot hurts like a bastard... actually my whole arm/shoulder area hurts. We are slightly upping my z-loft dose as well. Overall I'm in good health. The blood draw will tell more but my blood pressure, as always, was good.
Liam just had some M&Ms and offered me one. So sweet! But no sweet snacks. Bleh. Hope I can stick to my Lenten promise. The soda is more the one kicking me in the ass. I see the soda and want it. Bad.
I took some of the money my MIL gave me for Christmas and ordered myself a custom Starbucks gift card - I know it's retarded to order one for myself... but I like having the card because then I don't need to worry about having cash and there is something not right about putting $4.15 on a credit card. So I ordered a Starbucks custom card that has my preferred drink and my first name. I'll take a pic when it comes I should have taken a screen shot of the finished product...oh well. Woohoo!
Ok Shea is not happy in the Jumperoo and I suppose I should do something about that.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Making promises
I have been pondering my obligation for Lent and what I want to abstain from during the Lenten season. Being a the headcase that I am, it's hard to eliminate some things because I don't want to throw a stick in the spokes of my life balance or lack thereof... but at the same time I want to acknowledge the sacrifices made for me...
So I've decided to give up soda and snacks. Not necessarily snacks like between meals - but snacks that are bad and don't do anything positive for my body. Like Oreos and chips and chocolate bars. I gave serious contemplation to giving up my Starbucks mochas but that is sometimes one of the few things that get me through a day and I am just not ready to take a hit there. Even for the good Lord.
I am trying to come back to my faith in God. I have always believed but I have not always felt it positively... esp the wretched year I was trying to conceive. I have a hard time with my control issues ANYWAY never mind letting God handle anything in my life. But now my children are growing and Liam is at the Age of Questions ("WHY? WHO? WHERE?"). We made the decision to raise them both Catholic til they are at an age where they are educated and can make the conscious decision on their own.
So anyways anyways anyways I want to be a good role model. Dan doesn't believe whole-heartedly in God - his scientific mind has broken it down and most likely he has enough things hurt him in the past and made it a hard thing to believe in so it falls on me at this time. So I'll be fasting on Wednesday and Good Friday and no meat then or Fridays during Lent.
I need some decent meat free meals... can only take so much pasta, eggs and cheese pizza. Not all together of course. HA!
Updated to add: Dan has decided to give up soda for Lent too. I am betting it's more for his diet than for Lent but he's trying!
So I've decided to give up soda and snacks. Not necessarily snacks like between meals - but snacks that are bad and don't do anything positive for my body. Like Oreos and chips and chocolate bars. I gave serious contemplation to giving up my Starbucks mochas but that is sometimes one of the few things that get me through a day and I am just not ready to take a hit there. Even for the good Lord.
I am trying to come back to my faith in God. I have always believed but I have not always felt it positively... esp the wretched year I was trying to conceive. I have a hard time with my control issues ANYWAY never mind letting God handle anything in my life. But now my children are growing and Liam is at the Age of Questions ("WHY? WHO? WHERE?"). We made the decision to raise them both Catholic til they are at an age where they are educated and can make the conscious decision on their own.
So anyways anyways anyways I want to be a good role model. Dan doesn't believe whole-heartedly in God - his scientific mind has broken it down and most likely he has enough things hurt him in the past and made it a hard thing to believe in so it falls on me at this time. So I'll be fasting on Wednesday and Good Friday and no meat then or Fridays during Lent.
I need some decent meat free meals... can only take so much pasta, eggs and cheese pizza. Not all together of course. HA!
Updated to add: Dan has decided to give up soda for Lent too. I am betting it's more for his diet than for Lent but he's trying!
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Feeling fresh
A couple weeks ago I needed to order some stuff from Amaazon*. So in order to qualify for free shipping I needed to spend $8 more dollars. I thought - hey I'll order some tampons! Why? Because after not having my period for about 14 months (I got my first post-partum visit Christmas Eve! Praise the Lord!) I totally FORGET to buy tampons. I have used up my leftovers from before I got pregnant with my last two cycles. So I was in need to get some before my next one started or the phrase "on the rag" would be more true than cliche.
Note to Amaazon... I do not have a tall, dark and handsome mailman. He is oldish, grey and has a goatee... looking eerily similar to Colonel Sanders. Therefore I prefer him to stay out by my mailbox, not up close and personal at my door.
*Mispelled on purpose to prevent weird googlers.
So I saw that they had a special for 3 36-count boxes of Tampaax* for $11. That sounded like a good deal because they were the mixed boxes that I prefer - featuring lite, regular and super for my low, medium, and high needs. All in one box! Yippie! Also I noted that they were cardboard applicator which I prefer because while I destroy the planet with disposable diapers, I tip my hat to the green with no plastic applicators.
They finally arrived last week - because of course in true Amaazon fashion all my items came a day apart in separate tree-killing cardboard boxes because they want me to receive each item separately to get me all excited to see my mail delivery person each day.
Note to Amaazon... I do not have a tall, dark and handsome mailman. He is oldish, grey and has a goatee... looking eerily similar to Colonel Sanders. Therefore I prefer him to stay out by my mailbox, not up close and personal at my door.
Anyways, the tampons arrived and the box is BRIGHT PINK and says Tampaax Fresh! I think Fresh? What the hell? Then I look closer at the box and realize that it also says... in 3 different languages... Scented!
Scented?
Who the holy HELL needs a scented tampon? Cause I gotta tell you that if things are not right down there, you should really be seeing a doctor and not dousing your "issues" with a "clean fresh scent."
Additionally.... how would this scent even make a difference? If you bury a lemon in the sand...can you smell it? NO! Same principle. There is no way that the enclosed area that the tampon is ... filling, for lack of a better word, is going to get enough air to eminate any type of scent.
I have seen scented tampons in the store and always bypassed them for this reason AND for the fact that it skeeves me out to think about putting blatant chemicals up my hoohaah*. I mean I know that some tampons are most likely "treated" with something. So why up the ante and also get a perfumed wad of cotton up the vajaayjay*? I mean can they say that they have tested these things? How would they get a tampon up a rat's grlbits*?
So now I have 108 perfumed cotton flo sticks to burn up my coooch* over the course of the next several cycles. And I saved $5... I couldn't be happier.
*Mispelled on purpose to prevent weird googlers.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Aw crap
I'm an idiot. I was just about to start writing this post... some sort of deep and meaningful soul searching bullshit and I realized the time. YEAH. What the hell am I thinking? It's PAST 11 pm and my second born is SURE to start whimpering/crying for his pacifier soon. Which makes for a long friggin night and this time - the block from about 10pm - 2am is usually when I get my solid sleep in. I've read that getting 4 hours of consecutive sleep can keep someone from truly losing their mind. I believe I can attest to this on the day after a particularly bad night.
Shea has been better.. I'm trying to get him to do the 2 - 3 (or 2) - 4 schedule. Translation: wakes up in the morning then 2 hours later a nap - wakes from nap then 2-3 hours later another nap - and then after that nap - bedtime 4 hours later. That has helped because he's so damn tired by 6:30-7pm that he passes out cold, pacifier be damned... at least til about 4:30-5am. Which is AMAZING when you go from waking every 1-2 hours. The poor things teeth aren't helping though. I gave him some motrin or Tylenol before bed the past few nights. There is one that has cut through and I can feel the second one still under the gum. Both are the bottom front teeth. He hasn't been the most fun lately but he's still a good boy. When I go in to get him from his naps he is SO HAPPY to see me and I always pick him up and just hold him and hug him for a few beats before changing him. After me being a head case his first 5 months of life I am trying SO HARD to make sure he really feels safe and loved.
Now that I say that it probably sounds like he wasn't safe. He was. But I can say I had to put him down and walk away more than once to clear my head and pull my shit together. And I can say that I was impatient with him or Liam or NOTHING a lot and I know he picked up on that. Not the lovefest he deserves. But I am trying to make up for it. I still give him plenty of time to work on things himself...sitting, gross motor skills, etc, but any time I hold him I try to just POUR into him how much I love and adore him. That he is so loved and so badly wanted.
Liam loves Shea already so much. When he isn't with him, Liam misses Shea and he is always asking where Seamus is. The first thing he does when he comes downstairs after a nap (that is...if he woke up happy) is give Shea a hug and kiss. And when I pick him up from preschool he gets in the van and leans over, "Is Shea awake, Mama?"
Well I guess I am rambling and waxing poetic anyway... it's almost 11:30 I am so going to regret this in the morning. Dan is playing Madden on the PS3... he finally got it for himself. It looks crazy on the tv - like a real football game. In fact, in the game he is playing now - it is snowing. And he's always the Patriots. ALWAYS.
Ok I'm gonna get to going. Need to pop the happy pill and get to bed. Maybe Shea will whine once he hears me moving around up there and I can get the first re-pacification out of the way. Dan gets up with Shea a lot - I think because the happy pills make me drowsy so I don't always stir when Shea wakes. Seems like Dan is getting up more now that I'm on the pills.
Like I SAID.... GET TO GOING!
Shea has been better.. I'm trying to get him to do the 2 - 3 (or 2) - 4 schedule. Translation: wakes up in the morning then 2 hours later a nap - wakes from nap then 2-3 hours later another nap - and then after that nap - bedtime 4 hours later. That has helped because he's so damn tired by 6:30-7pm that he passes out cold, pacifier be damned... at least til about 4:30-5am. Which is AMAZING when you go from waking every 1-2 hours. The poor things teeth aren't helping though. I gave him some motrin or Tylenol before bed the past few nights. There is one that has cut through and I can feel the second one still under the gum. Both are the bottom front teeth. He hasn't been the most fun lately but he's still a good boy. When I go in to get him from his naps he is SO HAPPY to see me and I always pick him up and just hold him and hug him for a few beats before changing him. After me being a head case his first 5 months of life I am trying SO HARD to make sure he really feels safe and loved.
Now that I say that it probably sounds like he wasn't safe. He was. But I can say I had to put him down and walk away more than once to clear my head and pull my shit together. And I can say that I was impatient with him or Liam or NOTHING a lot and I know he picked up on that. Not the lovefest he deserves. But I am trying to make up for it. I still give him plenty of time to work on things himself...sitting, gross motor skills, etc, but any time I hold him I try to just POUR into him how much I love and adore him. That he is so loved and so badly wanted.
Liam loves Shea already so much. When he isn't with him, Liam misses Shea and he is always asking where Seamus is. The first thing he does when he comes downstairs after a nap (that is...if he woke up happy) is give Shea a hug and kiss. And when I pick him up from preschool he gets in the van and leans over, "Is Shea awake, Mama?"
Well I guess I am rambling and waxing poetic anyway... it's almost 11:30 I am so going to regret this in the morning. Dan is playing Madden on the PS3... he finally got it for himself. It looks crazy on the tv - like a real football game. In fact, in the game he is playing now - it is snowing. And he's always the Patriots. ALWAYS.
Ok I'm gonna get to going. Need to pop the happy pill and get to bed. Maybe Shea will whine once he hears me moving around up there and I can get the first re-pacification out of the way. Dan gets up with Shea a lot - I think because the happy pills make me drowsy so I don't always stir when Shea wakes. Seems like Dan is getting up more now that I'm on the pills.
Like I SAID.... GET TO GOING!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Muffins
So there is one last thing on my resolution list. To lose some weight and firm some things up. Mainly to make my ass a wee bit smaller and to marginalize the muffin-top pants effect I have going on. I'm am not huge and I think I'm lucky in one regard - I carry weight in a way that people think I'm smaller than I am. I know that sounds crazy - because you are thinking... well if she is smaller to everyone else then she must have that there body dysmorphia thingamagig.
No it's true. I can tell people always think I'm a size smaller or more than I actually am. I have never since high school been smaller than a size 8. I think because I have a short torso it might even be physically impossible without being slightly underweight. Because even when I was in the target weight range for my height (5' 2") before I had Liam, I still was in a size 8. Also, it is probably becuase I have so much junk in the trunk.
Anyway - Right now I'm a size 12. And I'm not that worked up about it but it doesn't thrill me either. Mostly because all my clothes from before I had babies are size 8-10. And I miss them. Dearly. And I hate buying clothes in bigger sizes - thus the Kohl's Sonoma jeans in size 12. $14.99 - a lot different than my nice GAP jeans and Ann Taylor tailored pants. Damn if I got back to that size it would be like a whole new wardrobe.
After Liam, I could squeeze into 10s but not for all my pants. And once I started trying to conceive Seamus, it ballooned me up to 12 easily between the stress eating ("I'm not pregnant so I deserve to eat this!") and the fertility drugs.
So I started losing weight in September-October and then Shea started the whole milk sensitivity thing so I had to avoid dairy and that made me eat things like bacon sandwiches. Because everything is better with bacon. Then Shea got the bronchitis and I was stress eating again... then the holidays and I was just eating EVERYTHING. Then more Shea drama and really I blame the muffins on him.
No I don't. I know it's my stress thing. So I am resolved to start the new year by curbing the snacking. Then I'll tackle things like portion control and calorie intake. I have done Weight Watchers twice... once with meetings and once online. I know the concept and can roughly figure out points based on calories fat and fiber content. My plan is to try losing weight on my own and if I get stuck or can't do it I'll re-join Weight Watchers. They actually have a meeting facility around the corner.
And maybe Shea will get moving sooner than later to get me off my ass more. That and my pilates DVDs that are mocking me from a box in my closet.
No it's true. I can tell people always think I'm a size smaller or more than I actually am. I have never since high school been smaller than a size 8. I think because I have a short torso it might even be physically impossible without being slightly underweight. Because even when I was in the target weight range for my height (5' 2") before I had Liam, I still was in a size 8. Also, it is probably becuase I have so much junk in the trunk.
Anyway - Right now I'm a size 12. And I'm not that worked up about it but it doesn't thrill me either. Mostly because all my clothes from before I had babies are size 8-10. And I miss them. Dearly. And I hate buying clothes in bigger sizes - thus the Kohl's Sonoma jeans in size 12. $14.99 - a lot different than my nice GAP jeans and Ann Taylor tailored pants. Damn if I got back to that size it would be like a whole new wardrobe.
After Liam, I could squeeze into 10s but not for all my pants. And once I started trying to conceive Seamus, it ballooned me up to 12 easily between the stress eating ("I'm not pregnant so I deserve to eat this!") and the fertility drugs.
So I started losing weight in September-October and then Shea started the whole milk sensitivity thing so I had to avoid dairy and that made me eat things like bacon sandwiches. Because everything is better with bacon. Then Shea got the bronchitis and I was stress eating again... then the holidays and I was just eating EVERYTHING. Then more Shea drama and really I blame the muffins on him.
No I don't. I know it's my stress thing. So I am resolved to start the new year by curbing the snacking. Then I'll tackle things like portion control and calorie intake. I have done Weight Watchers twice... once with meetings and once online. I know the concept and can roughly figure out points based on calories fat and fiber content. My plan is to try losing weight on my own and if I get stuck or can't do it I'll re-join Weight Watchers. They actually have a meeting facility around the corner.
And maybe Shea will get moving sooner than later to get me off my ass more. That and my pilates DVDs that are mocking me from a box in my closet.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Resolutions
Of course this time of year brings about the resolutions conversation. I can't even remember what resolutions I may have thought up last year - I THINK it was to stop throwing up from "morning" sickness and if that is the case - HOORAY! Check that sucker off the list.
The year 2007 was a doozy for so many people I know. And I am so glad it's over. There were WONDERFUL things that happened - obviously... I had a healthy, albeit nauseating, pregnancy. We sold one home and bought and moved into another though not quite in that order. I gave birth to a healthy son. Liam took SO MUCH in stride AND two months after Shea was born, Liam was potty trained and starting preschool.
I did come to the conclusion hat I don't manage newborn babies and their needs very well. Yes I can meet them and yes I can take excellent care of a newborn. However... I didn't enjoy much of it. With Liam I blamed it on the c-section incision not healing properly. With Shea he had reflux, then the milk allergy and various illness. In reality - I just don't like the non-stop NEED of a newborn.
I may be selfish. I'm pretty sure I am... a bit immature too. But newborns are hard. Some people LOVE newborns. But frankly - other than the sweetness of the small size - the gorgeous little bitty toes and hands and tush - they scream. At least mine do - and with my post partum anxiety - it put me right on edge. to be frank that is most likely why we got Shea so addicted to the pacifier. I could not TAKE the screaming. Like made me want to cover my ears, slide down the side of a wall and rock like Sybil.
So my first resolution is to acknowledge that about me. Accept that it's not a nice aspect of who I am but it is what it is and move on. I'm done with newborns. I have my boys and I am happy with my family. It's ok to not like a part of raising children. It doesn't make me a bad person.
Now that Shea is 6 months old... he is learning to sit on his own...he can spend time in his jumperoo or exersaucer and play. Liam is more interested in interacting with him as well... even playing sometimes. He is getting to be on a regular nap schedule. It's not the non-stop Mama show. I'm enjoying both boys more. I am getting enough time where someone isn't touching me (it's amazing how much you like solitiude when you are getting touched and grabbed all day long) that I don't cringe from Dan and I gather Liam on my lap for books and cuddles.
My second resolution was to tell someone besides my husband and my closest friends about my anxiety and reach out for help. Doing something to take care of myself is really hard for me. But as I sat in my PCP's office and cried as I told her how overwhelmed I felt and that everything felt ten times bigger than it actually was... I felt relief. I walked out with my Zoloft prescription and a list of therapists. The meds are just starting to work - taking the edge off already. I don't want to be on them forever... I'm hoping counseling and Shea getting older will help.
My next step is to actually call and make an appointment with a counselor. I have to do it before my next PCP appointment in 4 weeks. So a deadline will keep me from putting it off.
My last resolution is to circle back and start "dancing with the one that brought me." Dan and I get in these modes where we just power through to get shit done. Keep the kids happy. Ease some burden from each other so we get enough sleep, nutrition, sanity. But we are just starting to get back to enjoying each other. I think he has a similar resolution as seen on his new blog (tech nerd blog that it is) - turning off his Blackberry more. But lately we have watched some movies together... made more future plans together (even if it's house planning its fun). So my last resolution is to put more positive energy into our marriage. The marriage is what is going to keep the rest of the crap from creeping up on us and swallowing us whole.
So those are my resolutions. I hope I can keep them.
The year 2007 was a doozy for so many people I know. And I am so glad it's over. There were WONDERFUL things that happened - obviously... I had a healthy, albeit nauseating, pregnancy. We sold one home and bought and moved into another though not quite in that order. I gave birth to a healthy son. Liam took SO MUCH in stride AND two months after Shea was born, Liam was potty trained and starting preschool.
I did come to the conclusion hat I don't manage newborn babies and their needs very well. Yes I can meet them and yes I can take excellent care of a newborn. However... I didn't enjoy much of it. With Liam I blamed it on the c-section incision not healing properly. With Shea he had reflux, then the milk allergy and various illness. In reality - I just don't like the non-stop NEED of a newborn.
I may be selfish. I'm pretty sure I am... a bit immature too. But newborns are hard. Some people LOVE newborns. But frankly - other than the sweetness of the small size - the gorgeous little bitty toes and hands and tush - they scream. At least mine do - and with my post partum anxiety - it put me right on edge. to be frank that is most likely why we got Shea so addicted to the pacifier. I could not TAKE the screaming. Like made me want to cover my ears, slide down the side of a wall and rock like Sybil.
So my first resolution is to acknowledge that about me. Accept that it's not a nice aspect of who I am but it is what it is and move on. I'm done with newborns. I have my boys and I am happy with my family. It's ok to not like a part of raising children. It doesn't make me a bad person.
Now that Shea is 6 months old... he is learning to sit on his own...he can spend time in his jumperoo or exersaucer and play. Liam is more interested in interacting with him as well... even playing sometimes. He is getting to be on a regular nap schedule. It's not the non-stop Mama show. I'm enjoying both boys more. I am getting enough time where someone isn't touching me (it's amazing how much you like solitiude when you are getting touched and grabbed all day long) that I don't cringe from Dan and I gather Liam on my lap for books and cuddles.
My second resolution was to tell someone besides my husband and my closest friends about my anxiety and reach out for help. Doing something to take care of myself is really hard for me. But as I sat in my PCP's office and cried as I told her how overwhelmed I felt and that everything felt ten times bigger than it actually was... I felt relief. I walked out with my Zoloft prescription and a list of therapists. The meds are just starting to work - taking the edge off already. I don't want to be on them forever... I'm hoping counseling and Shea getting older will help.
My next step is to actually call and make an appointment with a counselor. I have to do it before my next PCP appointment in 4 weeks. So a deadline will keep me from putting it off.
My last resolution is to circle back and start "dancing with the one that brought me." Dan and I get in these modes where we just power through to get shit done. Keep the kids happy. Ease some burden from each other so we get enough sleep, nutrition, sanity. But we are just starting to get back to enjoying each other. I think he has a similar resolution as seen on his new blog (tech nerd blog that it is) - turning off his Blackberry more. But lately we have watched some movies together... made more future plans together (even if it's house planning its fun). So my last resolution is to put more positive energy into our marriage. The marriage is what is going to keep the rest of the crap from creeping up on us and swallowing us whole.
So those are my resolutions. I hope I can keep them.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
New Year, New Blog
So after some hemming and mostly hawwing...as in hawwwrrrdy haw haw - oh yes I know it's HAR HAR just work with me... I decided to just jump ship and landed here.
I liked the look for the newer blogger features and hopefully I can stay at peace with them and not get all uppity deciding I need more customization because honestly...? Do any of my 5 readers really give a crap if I have a fancy fance blog? No. Anyway here I am NAKED for ALL to see.
Well no - this isn't THAT sort of blog either. And truth be told you all can't handle ALL of this. Besides, I'm sure you like your eyesight just as it is.
I'm still tweaking here and there. But I'm thinking minimalist. Words. Posts. Pictures. And lots of ranting and sarcasm. Susie it up - Fake it til you make it. I'm making all of this up as I go. I don't know the answers - but I will act like I do to win friends and influence people. Also to stay a step ahead of my children. Soon enough the boys are going to catch on and start the eye-rolling-Mom's-crazy-glazed-look thing and I'll go back to talking to my dogs. Until then I hope to capture my prominent and trivial life moments here. Or cool shit I come across online.
I have a slightly new attitude toward this blog. It's still probably considered mommy-centric but what the hell - that's what I do. The Mommy thing. All blessed day long. In fact the mommy thing is making me a bit more ANXIOUS these days than anything which is why I am seeing my PCP tomorrow to discuss said anxiety. We'll talk about THAT another time. Like after the appointment at least.
Tomorrow the hubs and I are taking the Little Monkey to an appointment to get his head examined. Literally. At his 6 month appointment last Thursday the doctor expressed minimal - but notable - concern about the growth rate for Little Monkey's head size. My dad and some of his family have large heads. My head seems kind of big to me. But I guess they want to check thing out to make sure that the size for LM's head is normal for him and there isn't anything brewing in there. I probably sound really casual about this but it's denial.
See - faking it... completely. I am denying this til I am told something is definitely wrong. The doctor emphasized that it was almost always nothing but he wanted to be sure.
Please God.
So let's hang in there together and see where this new adventure takes us. and thanks for traveling with me.
I liked the look for the newer blogger features and hopefully I can stay at peace with them and not get all uppity deciding I need more customization because honestly...? Do any of my 5 readers really give a crap if I have a fancy fance blog? No. Anyway here I am NAKED for ALL to see.
Well no - this isn't THAT sort of blog either. And truth be told you all can't handle ALL of this. Besides, I'm sure you like your eyesight just as it is.
I'm still tweaking here and there. But I'm thinking minimalist. Words. Posts. Pictures. And lots of ranting and sarcasm. Susie it up - Fake it til you make it. I'm making all of this up as I go. I don't know the answers - but I will act like I do to win friends and influence people. Also to stay a step ahead of my children. Soon enough the boys are going to catch on and start the eye-rolling-Mom's-crazy-glazed-look thing and I'll go back to talking to my dogs. Until then I hope to capture my prominent and trivial life moments here. Or cool shit I come across online.
I have a slightly new attitude toward this blog. It's still probably considered mommy-centric but what the hell - that's what I do. The Mommy thing. All blessed day long. In fact the mommy thing is making me a bit more ANXIOUS these days than anything which is why I am seeing my PCP tomorrow to discuss said anxiety. We'll talk about THAT another time. Like after the appointment at least.
Tomorrow the hubs and I are taking the Little Monkey to an appointment to get his head examined. Literally. At his 6 month appointment last Thursday the doctor expressed minimal - but notable - concern about the growth rate for Little Monkey's head size. My dad and some of his family have large heads. My head seems kind of big to me. But I guess they want to check thing out to make sure that the size for LM's head is normal for him and there isn't anything brewing in there. I probably sound really casual about this but it's denial.
See - faking it... completely. I am denying this til I am told something is definitely wrong. The doctor emphasized that it was almost always nothing but he wanted to be sure.
Please God.
So let's hang in there together and see where this new adventure takes us. and thanks for traveling with me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
