on my mind

I have a lot on my mind and I think a stream of consciousness post is the way I'm going to get it out. If you can't follow along, my apologies. I just need to get some stuff out.

My mom - My mother had an appt with a surgeon today to discuss possible surgery on her shoulder. She has severe rheum. arthritis in her shoulder and cannot sleep for more than 2 hours without waking from pain. Her range of motion for the shoulder is horrible. Watching her put on a coat or shirt is saddening. I was unable to attend the appt with my parents and sister today because Shea had his appt which I had OTHER concerns for and that needed to take precidence, unfortunately. Anyway, it comes down in the appt that her rheum. doc also is referring her for knee REPLACEMENT surgery. Apparently both shoulder and knee are bone against bone at this point. The surgeon would prefer to do the knee first because it will be better for recovery from the shoulder surg. if she has two good legs to support her.

I'm really overwhelmed by all this and feel ill-equipped to care for toddlers and aging parents. I feel guilty for leaving it to my older siblings as well. And resentful of my brother in California who really doesn't have to deal with it at all.

Things will fall into place. I have already started researchingand bookmarking elder services pages. I can't imagine how my dad will cope with taking care of her 24/7 without losing his mind.

Shea's appt was ok. Doc said we should wait til after his one year appt to see if his gross motor skills have improved (head size is the cause of delay) and if not we will have him evaluated then. But his height and weight (22lbs 29") put him in the 75% and his head circ (49cm - same as Liam's was at 15 mos) puts him at 98% which is at least on the chart now. He didn't need any shots - just got a finger prick for iron and lead level testing. He didn't nap well, so by bedtime he was a nightmare. We did discuss c.i.o. during the appt and the doctor said Ferber is the way to go...as long as his basic needs are met and he's not ill we should do it. He said that we had to outlast Shea... especially since he's escalates so much when crying... gets worse and worse. We can't even go in after 5 or 10 mins cause he flips out even more. Tonight he cried after I put in (this is rare -= typically he is a middle of the night crier) and I was alone with both boys. I didn't want to leave Liam alone downstairs longer than necessary so I was sort of forced to let him cry. I did goin and try to rock him again, but he wasn't stopping so I put him back in the crib and probably about 30 mins later he stopped. I'm not sure exactly how long because I was putting Liam to bed and with the humidifier on high (purposefully) in Liam's room, you can't hear a thing in there.

I need to go to bed. Hubs is off tomorrow and I am getting my hair cut and colored. Cannot TELL YOU how bad I need it. GREY ROOTS! Ugly!

Tummy Trouble

I really want to stop going to our playgroup. It's not so much that I don't like the moms. Or the kids. It's that right now it consists of two other mothers who, between them, have SIX children and another on the way. Two sets of twins. It's a lot overwhelming.

I just want OUT. But I hate to cancel on them as a number of other women have already. I also feel badly because I feel like I need to get Shea around some babies or something... because maybe that would help his developmental motivation. Cause right now Shea is opting out of rolling, laying on his stomach and any type of crawl - army or hands and knees.

I am worried as he still seems to fall over a bunch when sitting. It's the head size making it hard for him to find balance. Especially when he starts getting tired. Oh and when he bakes a stinkloaf in his diaper, he hates sitting on it so he throws himself back. So there are still pillows around him when he sits.

I am assuming if he isn't doing better with the tummy time by his 9 month appt we may end up with EI or something coming to investigate. I don't pick him up as soon as he starts complaining on his tummy. I even let him cry a bit. Then when it gets to the crying-face-down-no-recovery I pick him up. Usually by then he's so pissed off he has to be walked and calmed down. So if the EI frickers come in here and say I need to let him be frustrated I may lose my shit on them.

Tummy time usually starts out ok. I'm encouraging, I try to engage him with fun things like new toys, forbidden objects like the remote, silly things like bubbles or Liam's faces. Shea can push up and straighten his elbows. Soon he tires because of his head weight and he goes down. He pushes up like this a few more times and then stops trying. He does move his body left or right about 45 degrees. If I put my hands behind his feet, he will push on them a few times. But after about 10 minutes or 15-20 on a good session - he is done. He whines a little. Sometimes he just puts his head down and to the side and plays with the blanket or chews on a toys he's successfully grabbed. But it's not long before he's hating life and I have to get him up.

I know every child progresses at their own rate. And I know that his body is trying to support his head and gain strength but I just feel like I'm failing him somehow. I do not carry him around all day long. I sit him down and walk in and out of the room as I need to. I want him to know that I have legs that move me around. We all crawl around the floor at his level so he can see. I have tried to teach him how to move his arms to roll easier.

No use.

I'm glad he's healthy and seems to be happy for the most part. I just have this feeling in my stomach that a mother gets when her child seems to have something a bit wrong and she can't just make it right.