Resolutions

Of course this time of year brings about the resolutions conversation. I can't even remember what resolutions I may have thought up last year - I THINK it was to stop throwing up from "morning" sickness and if that is the case - HOORAY! Check that sucker off the list.

The year 2007 was a doozy for so many people I know. And I am so glad it's over. There were WONDERFUL things that happened - obviously... I had a healthy, albeit nauseating, pregnancy. We sold one home and bought and moved into another though not quite in that order. I gave birth to a healthy son. Liam took SO MUCH in stride AND two months after Shea was born, Liam was potty trained and starting preschool.

I did come to the conclusion hat I don't manage newborn babies and their needs very well. Yes I can meet them and yes I can take excellent care of a newborn. However... I didn't enjoy much of it. With Liam I blamed it on the c-section incision not healing properly. With Shea he had reflux, then the milk allergy and various illness. In reality - I just don't like the non-stop NEED of a newborn.

I may be selfish. I'm pretty sure I am... a bit immature too. But newborns are hard. Some people LOVE newborns. But frankly - other than the sweetness of the small size - the gorgeous little bitty toes and hands and tush - they scream. At least mine do - and with my post partum anxiety - it put me right on edge. to be frank that is most likely why we got Shea so addicted to the pacifier. I could not TAKE the screaming. Like made me want to cover my ears, slide down the side of a wall and rock like Sybil.

So my first resolution is to acknowledge that about me. Accept that it's not a nice aspect of who I am but it is what it is and move on. I'm done with newborns. I have my boys and I am happy with my family. It's ok to not like a part of raising children. It doesn't make me a bad person.

Now that Shea is 6 months old... he is learning to sit on his own...he can spend time in his jumperoo or exersaucer and play. Liam is more interested in interacting with him as well... even playing sometimes. He is getting to be on a regular nap schedule. It's not the non-stop Mama show. I'm enjoying both boys more. I am getting enough time where someone isn't touching me (it's amazing how much you like solitiude when you are getting touched and grabbed all day long) that I don't cringe from Dan and I gather Liam on my lap for books and cuddles.

My second resolution was to tell someone besides my husband and my closest friends about my anxiety and reach out for help. Doing something to take care of myself is really hard for me. But as I sat in my PCP's office and cried as I told her how overwhelmed I felt and that everything felt ten times bigger than it actually was... I felt relief. I walked out with my Zoloft prescription and a list of therapists. The meds are just starting to work - taking the edge off already. I don't want to be on them forever... I'm hoping counseling and Shea getting older will help.

My next step is to actually call and make an appointment with a counselor. I have to do it before my next PCP appointment in 4 weeks. So a deadline will keep me from putting it off.

My last resolution is to circle back and start "dancing with the one that brought me." Dan and I get in these modes where we just power through to get shit done. Keep the kids happy. Ease some burden from each other so we get enough sleep, nutrition, sanity. But we are just starting to get back to enjoying each other. I think he has a similar resolution as seen on his new blog (tech nerd blog that it is) - turning off his Blackberry more. But lately we have watched some movies together... made more future plans together (even if it's house planning its fun). So my last resolution is to put more positive energy into our marriage. The marriage is what is going to keep the rest of the crap from creeping up on us and swallowing us whole.

So those are my resolutions. I hope I can keep them.