Sparkle

I have been floating around in this weird feeling over the course of the past two weeks. It has sort of surprised me and I've been trying to put a finger on it but over the weekend I realized what was going on.

I'm happy.

There is that song that goes "I can see clearly now the rain is gone" Well yeah. I FEEL that. And I think I didn't realize how cloudy and mucked up my head was until it was raked out. I don't want to go on and on about the miracle of drugs but SHIT. I was more of a headcase than I even realized.

It was as if instead of wearing rose-colored glasses... I was wearing shit-brown ones. And everything was heavy and weighed me down.

I guess it was weighing me down a lot more than I could self-diagnose. And I think my meds in conjunction with my resolution to focus on me and my growth/well-being/health have put me back into the land of the living. Not just breathing...but exhaling instead of holding my breath.

And I recognized this feeling... this happiness... when I came to the realization that if it all ended tomorrow (not to be morbid) then I have already lived my happily ever after. I love my husband beyond words and feel truly loved by him. I have two beautiful GOOD boys who are symbols of that love and make my days truly meaningful... evening if the meaning is frustration or exhaustion. I have come to peace with my family, especially my relationship with my brother. While there are always friendships I'd like to strengthen and self-improvement to accomplish... I am happy with my life. I am not wishing I were somewhere else, with someone else, doing something else, BEING someone else.

I am doing exactly what I have always wanted to do. And I'm starting to REALIZE it. I guess this is what they call "living in the now."

I don't think I'm the best I can be but that's ok too. It gives me somewhere to go.

So it's grey and cloudy, more snow is on the way, the boys both have runny noses. But let the sun shine in. Let it shine.